Q. We are concerned about a relative’s treatment in a nursing facility. We aren’t his immediate family and don’t want to alarm his daughter who lives across the country, but we think something needs to be done. What is the best way to approach this problem?
A. If there is a specific instance or staff person involved, you could register your concerns with the appropriate person at the facility, such as a nursing supervisor or the nursing home administrator. For broader concerns about care, most nursing facilities have either a Resident Council and/or a Family Council for advocacy on quality and care issues. If these are not options, or these have been tried without successful response from the facility, consider contacting the local Long Term Care Ombudsman or filing a complaint with the State.
The Long-Term Care Ombudsman program is available toll free at 1-866-485-9393 for concerned relatives to investigate complaints, suggest remedies, and assist with resident rights, payments, guardianship, and nursing home placement. Residents and families can receive information, learn how to resolve problems or begin the complaint process for concerns in licensed nursing homes, homes for the aged, and adult foster care homes. This is a free and confidential service.
If you decide to file a complaint with the State, the Ombudsman office can help you with that. Individuals can also call toll free 800-882-6006 or go online to www.michigan.gov/lara and click on File A Complaint, then choose the option beginning with Health Facilities.
Q. It is our first holiday without my dad, and we are struggling with how to celebrate with my mother. My sister thinks we should try to keep every tradition the same and have our brother take over whatever my dad typically did, such as putting up lights and getting the tree. I’m worried that will make mom even more sad. How do we figure out what is best for her?
A. Grief at the holidays, especially the first holiday without a parent or spouse, is very difficult. Everyone will have moments of sadness and loss and that is perfectly normal and should be acknowledged. Everyone copes with grief and loss in ways that are unique and personal to them, which is where the challenge can be, especially with family traditions. Often the best way to figure out what an individual might want to do is to ask them what they prefer and involve them in decisions. Your mom may already be thinking about these things as well and might welcome a conversation. She might not know yet, until she’s tried things out, whether something is comforting or still too painful. If some activity ends up being too much, be as flexible as you can to allow for that particular tradition to not happen this year.
The key this holiday season is to not unthinkingly do things the same way just because that’s how you’ve always done them. Most traditions eventually evolve as our lives change. Consider starting a new tradition such as having all the grandkids decorate the tree with your mom or going to one of your sibling’s homes for the family gathering instead of your mom’s house.
There are numerous local resources and professionals that could help you and your family one-on-one and much available in book form and online if you are looking for more information about coping with grief during the holidays. For information about local grief support you can contact our Info-Line for Aging & Disability at 800-654-2810.