It can be hard to accept help.
There are a variety of reasons why, but it’s a fact about humans.
For my family, the recent help we’ve had to accept is from hospice.
My grandpa is 94 years old and still lives at home in Ohio with my grandma, 82, as his primary caregiver. He was recently in the hospital, and it was determined he’s nearing the end of his life.
The last time he was in the hospital he yelled at the hospice representative, “I’m not dying!” But this time, something was different.
The representative was gentle, thorough in their explanation of their services, and related to my grandparents on a personal level. It took that caring touch to gain their trust.
I stayed with them over Father’s Day weekend, and I got to have real, heart-to-heart conversations that I had never had with them before.
Grandma said, “I would never put him in a facility. They wouldn’t take care of him!”
And while I know the staff at long-term care facilities are heroes for the work they do, that is the perception many people have.
What Grandma really means is the staff wouldn’t come help him right away. He’d push a button and have to wait a few minutes or longer.
Grandpa has a hospital bed set up in their living room, and Grandma is just a ring of a cowbell away. That’s how they like it.
I watched her get him situated on the bed one evening, then sit next to him rubbing his legs and singing him little songs. The next day, he had a moment when it was hard to breathe. When he caught his breath, he asked her to rub his head.
Each morning, Grandpa makes his way with his walker to the little table at the side of the kitchen where he sits while Grandma fixes him coffee, an egg, bacon, toast, and whatever else he requests that morning. She then sits there, cuts it up into little pieces and feeds him.
When Grandma says the staff in a facility won’t take care of Grandpa, she means they won’t love him like she does.
When my grandparents accepted the hospice care, their world was opened to so many more resources to help Grandma care for Grandpa.
Hospice sent boxes of linens and pads for the bed. They now have a box full of medicine in the refrigerator. A nurse is available 24 hours a day and can be there much faster than the private nursing service they had before. Any doctor he might need will come to the house. They sent a pastor named Dwayne who was in the military just like Grandpa.
I thanked my grandma for accepting the help. I shared with her some statistics I recently learned about caregivers dying before the person they’re caring for. I want her to take care of herself because she can’t continue to love and care for grandpa if she burns herself out.
I encouraged her to take advantage of the respite services hospice offers.
While I was there, I cut back some brush around Grandma’s bird feeders and refilled them with seed so she could enjoy the birds again.
She said she really wants to be able to get outside and prune her roses. I said, that would be the perfect opportunity to call and ask for someone to come sit with Grandpa while you go work outside.
Hospice would send someone to cut Grandpa’s nails, but he asked me to do it. After each finger he’d feel to make sure it was smooth, nod, then I’d go to the next finger. He then asked me to do his toenails and joked that if I hurt him, he’d kick me.
It felt so good to be able to care for the people who cared for me when I was little. Thirty years ago they were the ones cutting up food for me to eat. I got to feel what Grandma feels everyday caring for Grandpa.
My aunt told me after I left that weekend that she hadn’t seen my grandma that happy in a while.
When you open yourself up to help, your world gets a lot brighter. There’s hope on the horizon.
Most people want to live in their own homes. They want to be cared for by the people who love them. They like listening to their westerns and the Grand Ole Opry, even if they can’t see them anymore. They feel safe.
A variety of programs here at Area Agency on Aging, as well as many offered by our community partners, can help you care for your loved one in the setting of their choice.
Asking for help can be hard. It doesn’t feel natural sometimes, but it can improve the quality of life of all the people around you.
Area Agency on Aging’s Information and Access team can explore a variety of ways to offer help to your unique situation with no judgment. They want to help and have the same demeanor as the kind representative who spoke with my grandparents. All you have to do is reach out to us by calling 800-654-2810 or by emailing info@areaagencyonaging.org.
Alexandra Newman is the communications and outreach coordinator for the Region IV Area Agency on Aging in Southwest Michigan. Interested in having an AAA representative speak to your group or organization? Email alexandranewman@areaagencyonaging.org. Questions on age or independence services? Call the Info-Line for Aging & Disability at 800-654-2810. The Generations column appears each weekend in The Herald-Palladium.