Working at newspapers, you tend to read a lot of obituaries.
They start in various ways; some say the person went to be with their God. Some say the person died unexpectedly. Some outline a fierce battle with a disease. Some paint a picture of being surrounded by family during their final breath.
While those first sentences of an obituary can’t be written until the person dies, there’s always hope that everyone will die peacefully at home surrounded by their family.
I found myself having to write that first sentence in an obituary earlier this month when my grandfather passed away at the age of 95.
As the nonfiction writer in the family, it was my job to tell the story of his life, and that included telling part of his death.
Not everyone can go out in ideal circumstances. You hope and you plan the best you can as a family, but that’s not always what the universe has in mind.
The plan for my grandpa to die at home changed when my grandma was admitted to the ICU with a nasty kidney infection. As his primary caregiver, without her there, my dad and aunt had to make the tough decision to check him into respite care at the hospice facility he had been receiving services from.
Upon admission, it was discovered he was in worse shape than everyone thought, and he was going to become a permanent hospice resident until his passing.
This wasn’t the plan. Sure, everyone could visit him still, but grandma was four miles away fighting for her life too. For a few days we thought we were going to lose them both.
We’re lucky. Grandpa died with my dad and aunt there by his side, listening to recordings of his music. Grandpa played pedal steel guitar.
The saddest part of it was my grandma wasn’t there with him. After 49 years of marriage, she didn’t really get to give a proper goodbye.
One of the strangest parts of this whole story is that my grandma’s condition drastically improved after he died. She was incredibly restless, ripping out her IVs, having to be fastened to the bed at one point, but all of that stopped once he passed. She even said she thought someone had been in the room with her keeping her company.
Grandma took the news surprisingly well and was just happy he wasn’t alone and wasn’t in pain anymore. She is on the mend now and was even able to make it to the funeral from her rehabilitation facility. She was able to sit by the casket for a while before the service started and say her final goodbyes.
I’ve learned huge life lessons this month – mostly involving the plans for our lives. We can write down everything that has happened to us in our lives, but we can never fully plan for that first sentence in our obituary.
“Benjamin Luther “Stoney” Newman, 95, of Brookville, Ohio, died peacefully at about 6:15 a.m. Wednesday, Nov. 1, 2023, at Hospice of Dayton in the company of his children.”
If you want to read more about his life, you can visit the website of Rogers Funeral Homes out of New Lebanon, Ohio. Writing his obituary was therapeutic. It was joyful. It was a challenge. But most importantly it was an honor to be able to tell the story of his life.
If you find yourself worried about what will happen at the end of your life, give our Info-Line a call: 800-654-2810. We can help connect you to resources for advance directives, end-of-life planning, medication management, home safety checks, chronic disease management, in-home/out-of-home care options, insurance benefits, home-delivered meals, and more.
Area Agency on Aging has a wealth of resources, programs and community partners to pull knowledge from. We do the best we can to give you some peace of mind so that you can focus on living and doing all the amazing things your family will get to write about you in your obituary.
Alexandra Newman is the communications and outreach coordinator for the Region IV Area Agency on Aging in Southwest Michigan. Interested in having an AAA representative speak to your group or organization? Email alexandranewman@areaagencyonaging.org. Questions on independence services? Call the Info-Line for Aging & Disability at 800-654-2810. The Generations column appears each weekend in The Herald-Palladium.