Like households across the nation, we’re getting ready to send a teenager to college this week.
My husband and I will be empty nesters… again.
For us, it’s not our child we’re sending off to college, but our granddaughter. We’ve been raising her for the past several years. The journey has been fraught with unexpected joys and, at times, deep heartbreak.
While it was very difficult circumstances that brought her into our home, the joys of parenting the second time around have far outweighed the challenges. And we’ve all learned lessons along the way.
We’ve learned that old dogs really can learn new tricks. Having a teen in the house forced us to learn new lingo, apps and communication style. Who knew it was rude to call when you could text instead?
Adapting to her and her friends’ preferred mode of communication was not a concession but rather an acknowledgment of their preference. If honest communication was happening, I was good with that, no matter what the mode.
The teens got a dose of our communication style as well. Family dinners are a must! As often as we are able, we’re all around the table for dinner – our granddaughter, her friends and my mother included. The conversation between people from teens to age 80+ is a hoot. Laughter abounds, respect and appreciation for the various generations and perspectives grows.
New tools were available to us as second-time parents. Who knew the school had a web-based tool that alerted you when your teen was late to class or didn’t turn in an assignment? Communication from the school is automated, helpful and appreciated but never more effective than when I would go ‘old school’ on them and show up in person for a face-to-face chat.
Taking in a teen who’s been through significant trauma is no easy task. I could not have imagined at the outset the immense challenges that were headed our way when we welcomed her into our home.
Sometimes coming from unexpected places.
A few well-meaning people told us they worried we were too old to take on a teen. Questioning not just if it was a good situation for us, but also questioning whether we, “at our age”, could provide the guidance and support a teen going through tough times might need.
As my grandmother would say, “Pshwa!”
I’m a firm believer that whatever the task at hand, if you get the support and resources you need around you, seek good and wise counsel, and add a good dose of love and compassion, you can accomplish almost anything.
And what we accomplished – along with this dear girl – is knitting together a family of three that gives her a solid core of stability from which to launch into the next phase of her life. One based on love, trust, and mutual respect.
We didn’t solve the issues that brought her to us. Those were beyond the scope of any of us to resolve. But together we showed her, and ourselves, that out of great tragedy can come great opportunity.
Life may throw you unexpected or even tragic curves — but life can and does go on. Life may be very different that you expected, but it can also be very, very good.
A good lesson to launch her college career and our second-time-around empty nest season of life.
If you or someone you know is raising a grandchild or other relative child, there are supports, resources and services to help. We were fortunate to have some awareness of resources but had to go looking for answers on many issues. No two situations are alike.
The most impactful piece of advice I can give is to know you’re not alone so don’t try to go it alone. Reach out for help.
This phase of life may not look like you thought it would, but it can be more wonderful than you ever thought possible.
Raising a grandchild or other relative child can light this season of life in ways you never expected. It was the hardest job I’ve ever had — and I wouldn’t trade places with anyone.
Contact the Info-Line for Aging and Disability at (800) 654-2810 to learn about resources for Grandparents Raising Grandchildren.