Can I hug you? Not a question we hear very often, but in this day of social media, high public scrutiny and political correctness, people are increasingly nervous about initiating touch. Whether it be a handshake, an arm around a shoulder, or a full-blown hug, hesitating to reach out usually results in not reaching out at all.
With people we know very well, we usually have a handle on what kind of physical touch is appropriate or welcomed. My husband and I hold hands when we’re out and about. We don’t make a decision ahead of time about that; we just naturally hold hands. We hug our kids and grandkids, knowing that is what they want (and need!) from us, and what we also want (and need!) from them.
With others, however, it is important that we know for sure what is okay. Physical touch is not always welcome and not always appropriate. Between casual friends, colleagues or strangers, it can be viewed as an act of violation.
Dr. Paul White, coauthor of 5 Languages of Appreciation in the Workplace, is concerned about the reticence of people to reach out physically. He says, “Although there are clearly significant challenges, we didn’t want to advocate a touchless society even in the workplace. Appropriate physical touch in the proper context can be extremely meaningful.”
In a recent Atlantic article, developmental psychologist Tiffany Field argued that, “As we get more isolated, we need platonic touch more than ever, even if we don’t realize it. A vicious cycle is happening, wherein the less people initiate, the more abnormal it seems when someone does, and the more likely it is to be upsetting.”
We also can’t overlook the health benefits of physical touch. In her article The Science of Touch and Emotion, Maria Alvarellos from the Berkeley Science Review says: “By engaging in acts of trust and cooperation, social groups survive. Parents and offspring form attachments, and individuals act in mutually beneficial, altruistic ways to sow trust between one another.”
Touching and physical affection is a vital part of this process of pro social behavior. Various studies have shown that the need for skin to skin contact and warmth can improve weight gain in premature babies and touch can convey a variety of complex emotions including empathy and gratitude. The simple act of touching someone has been shown to improve cognitive and emotional development, including reducing susceptibility to depression and reducing some behaviors associated with Alzheimer’s Disease. Being affectionately touched can even contribute to a stronger immune system.
Yes, it’s complicated. I come from a family and culture of huggers. It was more normal for me to hug someone than not. However, I have trained myself to simply ask, “Can I hug you?” it was awkward at first, but now it’s second nature.
Recently I spent a few days with a sibling who was recovering from surgery. When I was leaving the hospital to make the 100-mile journey home, my car wouldn’t start. I called the emergency number on my auto insurance, and within 15 minutes a gentleman was there and jumped the battery. I was so relieved, my immediate reaction was, “Can I hug you?” he gave a big smile and said, “Of course.” He saved the day for this lady, and I have a feeling he doesn’t get a lot of hugs in his line of work.
Most importantly, remember that the recipient of physical touch is always the decider. Be completely sure of others’ boundaries and preferences before initiating touch. Ask first, and with permission, reach out and touch someone. You will be glad you did.