A long time ago someone advised me, “If you need a mentor, find a wing and crawl under it.”
Their advice was to identify the expertise you need, a life you admire, values that match yours, and intentionally seek out people who are ahead of you in those areas. Then ask for their input and advice.
It may or may not result in an ongoing formal mentor relationship but will almost always result in you learning something valuable and building a network of mutually supportive relationships.
Following that advice, I’ve ‘crawled under a lot of wings’ over the years and learned some invaluable lessons from people willing to share their wisdom. I’ve also made room under my wing to mentor others.
Most of us can point to a person, or several people, whose positive influence has helped shape who we are today. These mentors share their time, expertise, and insights to help us grow personally and professionally.
“Mentors are wisdom keepers,” says Rabbi Victor Gross, codirector of ALEPH Sage-ing, a spiritual mentoring program in Boulder, Colo. “What is wisdom? It’s the combination of knowledge and experience.”
Although we tend to think of mentoring as a relationship in which an older person passes down wisdom to someone younger, it can also be peer-to-peer or a younger person who acts as an advisor to an elder.
Studies have identified positive outcomes for mentees, including motivational, relational, career and health benefits. Rabbi Gross says mentors benefit as well.
“It’s a wonderful feeling that you get from being a successful mentor,” says Rabbi Gross. “It can fill your life with purpose. Mentoring can help someone feel needed, significant, and enjoyed.”
If you’re ready to share your wisdom and help someone reach their full potential, mentoring may be right for you. The following tips from experts can help you develop a successful mentoring relationship.
Be Willing to Commit
The longer a mentoring relationship lasts, the stronger the benefits, according to a 2002 study about youth mentoring published in the American Journal of Community Psychology. In most cases, 12 to 18 months is a good length of time, though it can vary depending on the mentee’s goals.
Find the Right Fit
You may know someone you’d like to take under your wing, but often a mentee will find you. How do you know if that person is a good fit for you?
“Focus on what that person needs to learn,” says Lois Zachary, EdD, author of several books on the topic, including The Mentor’s Guide and Creating a Mentoring Culture. “Are they ready to learn? Do they have a commitment to their own growth and development?”
Ask Good Questions
Ask open-ended, thought-provoking questions to help mentees reflect about creating their own future. “A mentor’s job is to ask questions that help people get to deeper insights,” says Zachary. “It’s not about telling mentees what to do but asking the questions that are going to support them in learning and help them clarify their vision for their future.”
Listen Well
Many mentors mistakenly assume that their mentees want to follow in their footsteps. “I learned that I needed to listen carefully to what my mentees wanted to do so I could help them with their goals instead of what I thought they should want,” says Liz Katkin, a long-time successful workplace mentor.
Meet Regularly
Mentoring works best when there is ongoing, regular contact. “Always have a meeting date on the calendar and stay focused on achieving goals,” Zachary says. Regular check-ins about goals and meeting cadence will also help you notice if you need to make adjustments.
Push Your Mentee
As Henry Ford is reputed to have said, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” Learning requires stretching the mind and taking risks, says Zachary. “A mentor facilitates this process by asking probing questions that challenge thinking.”
Provide and Seek Feedback
Compassionate, candid feedback is key to helping mentees reach their goals. “Feedback can help close performance gaps and assist a mentee in targeting appropriate areas for growth and development,” says Zachary. She suggests offering mentees constructive feedback at every meeting. Also seek feedback from your mentee on the mentoring relationship. What’s working? What’s not?
Look at Your Own Life
Think back on those people who have influenced your life — for better or for worse. “The best way to learn how to be a mentor is to watch a mentor, as well as people who tried to be mentors but didn’t succeed,” says Rabbi Gross. Reflecting on how the mentors in your life shared their wisdom can help you determine how to develop effective, rewarding mentoring relationships and positively impact the mentees who you invite – or who crawl – under your wing.